Friday, August 28, 2009
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Wonder no longer! It's that ALL of them know
SWEATER ROCKETS KICK ASS!!
I know, I know you're probably saying to yourself "But Steeeeeevvve, I'm a Doctor/Lawyer/Baker/Tailor and I know lots of reeeeeeeeeeallly important things. Why I can cure cancer, save you from incarceration, make delicious pies, or sew beautiful coats of many colors."
and I'm sure knowing all that stuff's really cool. But you want to talk about what's important? Let's do a little survey, I'm going to ask the little fellow in the photo a few questions let's see how HE responds!!
Kickass Interviewer: Hey little fella! How's it going? Mind if I ask you a few questions?
Kickass Baby: ...
Kickass Interviewer: Sweet! Hey did you know that you might get cancer?
Kickass Baby: ...
Kickass Interviewer: Or that you might do something bad and go to jail?
Kickass Baby: ...
Kickass Baby: Wanna cruise out for some pie and coffee?
Kickass Interviewer: Did you know you're naked?
Kickass Interviewer: Hey how about moving on over and letting Uncle Kickass spend some sweet sweet time with those boobs?
Kickass Baby: WAAIIGH!! Fuck You Uncle Kickass! Verily forsooth I speak y'all best getting on out of here before I this light yonder breaks my little foot up your ass Uncle Kickass!!
Kickass Interviewer: It was a %$^ing question! Jeez! OW!! Mellow out little man! Just move ove..OW!! OK I get the jist! I'm OWOWOW!!"
That's right, you think that little guy's wondering about the dichotomy between particle physics and quantum mechanics? NO WAY. He's wondering how long you're going to be hassling him with this whole clean diaper biz and how long it is until he can go back to town on those sweet mamarian mamaloos (a sound question which I've asked often myself).
You won't find me arguing with that little scholar, know why?
Friday, January 16, 2009
By: Carl Jung
I love that quote from Jung. It's beautiful, charming, and deeply resonant with all the secret words we know in our hearts to be true but that we will never find the words to say.
...and like most quotes from Jung it can be reassembled without losing sight of the fundamental tenets which make it true. Let's play a little game of William S. Burroughs cut up theory here Kickasstiger-teers, where we presume that the purpose of merely being kindles a light in the darkness of human existence. Bit of a game-changer isn't it? It's all too easy to discount the light of camraderie we shine into the dark solitude of human existence by merely being. But retarded people preclude all that & how..?
I can't tell you how many "tard anecdotes" came up while I was preparing this post, but there's one that's an old favorite of mine so here goes...
Back when I was in High School, there was this one guy who for the sake of anonymity I'm going to refer to as "Julius Bonagger". Man, ol' Julius was the King of The Tards (we had a teachable mentally retarded program at my school). He had a leather jacket, wore his hair greased back 50's style, and had the biggest Elvis belt buckle I've ever seen. Everywhere, Julius went the tard ladies (who from what I hear totally put out) would fawn over him & lesser tards would cower meekly in the path of his mighty (at 15 I'd say ol' Julius was tipping the scales at a husky 250 lbs) oncoming stride. But there was one person who Julius would always take time to greet when walking down the hall and that was my friend Bubba who Julius would always grab by the shoulder, look at solemnly and say "You smell nice". Bubba was a frail punk rock lad, who boasted a predeliction for drug abuse and a psychologically unbalanced girlfriend amidst his treasury of earthly posessions. Bubba was fortunate to have all those things but I could tell that Julius making time for him out of his day really put it all in perspective when I witnessed this scene:
Julius was walking down the hall lolling his head & didn't see Bubba sneaking up behind him. Bubba could be pretty quiet for a gangly white kid carrying a skateboard, and thus Julius was totally unprepared for when Bubba placed his hand on his shoulder from behind, spun him around and spoke these words:
"Hey Julius, you smell nice man. You smell nice."
If one of those sweet tard ladies had shown up naked on her hands and knees imploring Julius to fill her with tard seed it wouldn't have come close to filling him with the rapture that broke across his face as he hugged Bubba & yelled "THANKS MAN!! THANKS!!!"
Tragically Bubba was not as strong as Julius and it did take several moments for him to disengage. But there's a lot of lessons I think we can learn from the tale of Julius & Bubba.
1. That while we may operate in our day believing that we are operating at a higher level of cognition than our fellows, it must be noted that if we are to presume that the purpose of being is to kindle a light in the darkness of mere being, that Bubba didn't actually perform an act of genius until he was willing to do something retarded.
2. Tard ladies totally put out.
3. & last but not least..............
RETARDED PEOPLE KICK ASS!!!!!
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Let's be honest, "what crawled up your vagina and died" is one of the greatest phrases ever written. Functioning not only as a somewhat visceral piece of condemnation, it's beauty lies within the fact that it's so much more than that. It's a mystery ("no really, for reals, what was it?"), it's a horror story ("Do you dear reader dare to enter the tortuous depths and discover what crawled up your vagina and died?")But most importantly....
Sunday, October 12, 2008
As you've probably noticed loyal blog readers, its been a little while since my last post. Why? you ask? How could such an unforseen circumstance take place? I'll tell y'all why, it's because I've been slacking off & not too surprisingly...it kicks ass!! Why? Because I'm about to prove to y'all that slacking off (even more so than military intervention, or economic manipulation) is what's really key to total and utter GALACTIC DOMINION.
Check it out, sure there's a bajillion wannabe totalitarian warlords out there duking it out for who's gonna be king of the castle and all that..but in a word, they're fools. Let's take a look at your average human life span 80 yrs if you're LUCKY, everything beyond that? Gravy. So why the hell do you want to be wasting your time struggling for an illusory reward that you're not going to get to take with you? Let's focus on the important things, chilling with those you love, reading, drinking, eating good food, or just hanging out letting the wheels spin. These are the things that mark true freedom. The time you spend at work? Or competing against a bunch of other fools who're nothing more than rats running the labyrinth? You might as well print your remaining time on dollar bills and set it on fire.
But that's what it really comes down to isn't it? I know a brilliant man, who once said "The key to what drives economic congress is laziness" his theory is that in order to get ahead in a professional setting, you need to find out what your immediate boss most hates doing & do it for him. He'll be happy because he gets to slack off, and as a reward he'll grant you more leeway to slack off since you're performing the task he so wants to avoid, best of all, he'll hire someone else to take over the work that YOU don't want to do in order to make sure he can keep on slacking off! It's brilliant!!
Don't get me wrong, I know there's some busybees out there reading this who're saying "But Steve, I heart my job utterly & I can't begin to describe the degree of personal fulfillment I receive from it!!" Hey man, that's cool. But here's the gig yo. If you're that into what you're doing then by all means keep on keepin' on. What I'm trying to illustrate is that it's in those moments when we're slacking off that at that time the universe is your oyster. You are at that moment truly free, sure you can make a decision on a course of action but for that one rare glimmering moment the realm of possibility is truly yours. Or as I like to inform people "That's right, motherf**ker. I'm Steve Mort & I can do anything". The freedom lies in whether or not I choose to and within that terrible truth lies the paradox of time, personal freedom & the terrifying liberating power of nothingness.
So I guess at this point it's "Hey stop wasting your time reading my blog & get back to work!!" or "Keep on, Keepin' on ya big slacker!" Either way I can only hope that you always feel free to...
Monday, September 1, 2008
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
I don't care if you're the most tone deaf, non-rhythmic, soul hatin', easy listenin' mother f**ker on the planet, even you have a secret soundtrack (and how kick ass is that?). I'll never forget the magical moments when I discovered my own secret soundtracks, from when I stole my sister's copy of the Quadrophenia soundtrack (which if its any consolation sis, I've had to buy several more times), to riding my bicycle under the influence of powerful hallucinogens (Shit Jimi! You ARE a Voodoo Child!!), to having to pull over my car the first time I heard Ratatat (I was sober in case anyone's wondering! **This was not an instance of having to use my patented 'Too drunk to walk, better drive' rule**). Let it be known that it's not only the chemically augmented and schizophrenically challenged who have the good fortune to hear the sounds and voices that create the sonic background for our passages! Raise your fists and stomp your feet on our crusade to find the theme music to the made for TV docudrama of our days!! Don't be shy! If you think that your friends need the Violent Femmes playing the background, then share the joy! If the ladies don't know what kind of deep, dark, sensitive mofo you are, then share, I say share, the Elliott Smith!! And the next time you hear some sweet sounds that you realize have been playing silently in the back of your mind, you stop right there, you stop right there and you shout to the heavens!!!
"That Kicks Ass!!!!!!!!"