Friday, January 16, 2009

Retarded People Kick Ass!!

"As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light in the darkness of mere being."
By: Carl Jung

I love that quote from Jung. It's beautiful, charming, and deeply resonant with all the secret words we know in our hearts to be true but that we will never find the words to say.

...and like most quotes from Jung it can be reassembled without losing sight of the fundamental tenets which make it true. Let's play a little game of William S. Burroughs cut up theory here Kickasstiger-teers, where we presume that the purpose of merely being kindles a light in the darkness of human existence. Bit of a game-changer isn't it? It's all too easy to discount the light of camraderie we shine into the dark solitude of human existence by merely being. But retarded people preclude all that & how..?

I can't tell you how many "tard anecdotes" came up while I was preparing this post, but there's one that's an old favorite of mine so here goes...

Back when I was in High School, there was this one guy who for the sake of anonymity I'm going to refer to as "Julius Bonagger". Man, ol' Julius was the King of The Tards (we had a teachable mentally retarded program at my school). He had a leather jacket, wore his hair greased back 50's style, and had the biggest Elvis belt buckle I've ever seen. Everywhere, Julius went the tard ladies (who from what I hear totally put out) would fawn over him & lesser tards would cower meekly in the path of his mighty (at 15 I'd say ol' Julius was tipping the scales at a husky 250 lbs) oncoming stride. But there was one person who Julius would always take time to greet when walking down the hall and that was my friend Bubba who Julius would always grab by the shoulder, look at solemnly and say "You smell nice". Bubba was a frail punk rock lad, who boasted a predeliction for drug abuse and a psychologically unbalanced girlfriend amidst his treasury of earthly posessions. Bubba was fortunate to have all those things but I could tell that Julius making time for him out of his day really put it all in perspective when I witnessed this scene:

Julius was walking down the hall lolling his head & didn't see Bubba sneaking up behind him. Bubba could be pretty quiet for a gangly white kid carrying a skateboard, and thus Julius was totally unprepared for when Bubba placed his hand on his shoulder from behind, spun him around and spoke these words:

"Hey Julius, you smell nice man. You smell nice."
If one of those sweet tard ladies had shown up naked on her hands and knees imploring Julius to fill her with tard seed it wouldn't have come close to filling him with the rapture that broke across his face as he hugged Bubba & yelled "THANKS MAN!! THANKS!!!"

Tragically Bubba was not as strong as Julius and it did take several moments for him to disengage. But there's a lot of lessons I think we can learn from the tale of Julius & Bubba.

1. That while we may operate in our day believing that we are operating at a higher level of cognition than our fellows, it must be noted that if we are to presume that the purpose of being is to kindle a light in the darkness of mere being, that Bubba didn't actually perform an act of genius until he was willing to do something retarded.

2. Tard ladies totally put out.

3. & last but not least..............

RETARDED PEOPLE KICK ASS!!!!!

1 comment:

Matt said...

It is with great pride (and a sad sense of nostalgic suction)that "you look nice man", and "you smell nice man" has been passed on to a new generation of "bubbas". It even had a resurgence at a shithole car dealership in North Portland that I was employed by. I would often greet a head-to-toe filthy, grease and gasoline covered mechanic with "you look nice, man". Truly a classic.