Friday, August 28, 2009

Quitting Smoking Kicks Ass!!!!


It's all to rarely that we come across the truly transformative written word. I mean sure, you're reading this on goodreads so I'm sure you probably read at least a book an hour right? But c'mon when's the last time one changed not only your perspective but actually made you change a physical habit? Unless you've been sneaking a peek at he Williams Sonoma Cookbook, I'll gamble not many. Well friends, it's your red letter, extra A+ lucky day! For The Easy Way to Stop Smoking: Join the Millions Who Have Become Nonsmokers Using the Easyway Method is indeed such a book. I know you're probably saying "Golly Gosh Steve, I've thought about quitting smoking but frankly even the contemplation is enough to accelerate the current psychological downspin I'm enduring that is typified by the unending sound of broken glass spinning in a centrifuge within a space time bubble where every word I hear sounds interlaced with an eternal shriek that is being distorted in an envelope of feedback thhat is both auditory and physically painful!" To which I'd like to respond in much the same way that D!r. Carr does which is essentially "don't stress man! it's going to be ok!!"
It's pretty easy to discern at this point why so many people believe Dr. Carr is a genius.
But tragically the most genius part of Dr. Carr's method has been tragically overlooked. Quitting smoking isn't just easy, it's a f**king blast. It's such a blast as a matter of fact, that I've decided to start integrating it as often as possible into my life (which explains how I went from half a pack to half a carton a day thanks to Dr. Carr's advice). Before? Sure I'd quit occassionally, I think the longest was about 2 or 3 years. Fortunately Dr. Carr has enlightened me to the dizzying possibilities that become available once you realize you can quit 20 TIMES A DAY (& that's just if you're a pack *<--pussy!*a day smoker!). Now that I've come to realize how religiously rapturous quitting smoking can be I've really started ratcheting up work on great times to quit...obviously this list is born of the deepest most private areas of myself, but goshdarnit! If you can't write about your deepest, most private, secret aspects on the internet then why else would Al Gore invent it? (duh!)
So without further ado...Here's Steves (still a work in progress of great times to quit smoking) 1.During Sex
2.While Eating
3.During baptisms
4.When visiting smoking friends (who obviously never discovered the raptuorous joys of quitting) in the hospital who are receiving O2.
Curiously, with the possible exception of #4 this corresponds pretty neatly with great times to start again (Because everyone loves a fresh beginning & nobody likes a quitter). "Golly Gosh Steve! You've sold me on this book! I know it sounds toooooo good to be true, but are there any other advantages to the EasyWay method?" I'm so glad you asked! The main point that sold me? Lemmee give a couple of scenarios.
Scenario 1:You haven't told anyone that you're quitting & you're acting like an asshole. "Jeepers man, maybe you'd lower that skyrocketing blood pressure of yours & STOP ACTING LIKE AN ASSHOLE if you'd just quit smoking...and don't you dare put that out on little Mikey!"
Scenario 2: You've announced to everyone in the Tri-State area that you're quitting smoking & you're acting like an asshole. "Gosh honey, I know you're trying really hard on this & I've heard it can be really challenging..why don't you step outside, grab a smoke, come back in & I'll f**k your brains out?" I don't think there's any question that for todays smoker? There's no other way that makes sense other than The Easy Way to Stop Smoking: Join the Millions Who Have Become Nonsmokers Using the Easyway Method. oh? You're a non-smoker and you want to read this bad boy? Well then you better start because you're gonna find out that quitting smoking....KICKS ASS!!!

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Sweater Rockets KICK ASS!!!

I've been fortunate enough to write for an extremely diverse audience. Chronic masturbators, die hard music fans, slackers, whatever crawled up your vagina and died, retards, and much like me you may be wondering what it is that draws all of these folks together....

Wonder no longer! It's that ALL of them know
SWEATER ROCKETS KICK ASS!!

I know, I know you're probably saying to yourself "But Steeeeeevvve, I'm a Doctor/Lawyer/Baker/Tailor and I know lots of reeeeeeeeeeallly important things. Why I can cure cancer, save you from incarceration, make delicious pies, or sew beautiful coats of many colors."

and I'm sure knowing all that stuff's really cool. But you want to talk about what's important? Let's do a little survey, I'm going to ask the little fellow in the photo a few questions let's see how HE responds!!

Kickass Interviewer: Hey little fella! How's it going? Mind if I ask you a few questions?
Kickass Baby: ...
Kickass Interviewer: Sweet! Hey did you know that you might get cancer?
Kickass Baby: ...
Kickass Interviewer: Or that you might do something bad and go to jail?
Kickass Baby: ...
Kickass Baby: Wanna cruise out for some pie and coffee?
Kickass Baby:...
Kickass Interviewer: Did you know you're naked?
Kickass Baby:...
Kickass Interviewer: Hey how about moving on over and letting Uncle Kickass spend some sweet sweet time with those boobs?
Kickass Baby: WAAIIGH!! Fuck You Uncle Kickass! Verily forsooth I speak y'all best getting on out of here before I this light yonder breaks my little foot up your ass Uncle Kickass!!
Kickass Interviewer: It was a %$^ing question! Jeez! OW!! Mellow out little man! Just move ove..OW!! OK I get the jist! I'm OWOWOW!!"

That's right, you think that little guy's wondering about the dichotomy between particle physics and quantum mechanics? NO WAY. He's wondering how long you're going to be hassling him with this whole clean diaper biz and how long it is until he can go back to town on those sweet mamarian mamaloos (a sound question which I've asked often myself).

You won't find me arguing with that little scholar, know why?

Because sweater rockets KICK ASS!!!

Now, move over buddy! I call dibs!


Friday, January 16, 2009

Retarded People Kick Ass!!

"As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light in the darkness of mere being."
By: Carl Jung

I love that quote from Jung. It's beautiful, charming, and deeply resonant with all the secret words we know in our hearts to be true but that we will never find the words to say.

...and like most quotes from Jung it can be reassembled without losing sight of the fundamental tenets which make it true. Let's play a little game of William S. Burroughs cut up theory here Kickasstiger-teers, where we presume that the purpose of merely being kindles a light in the darkness of human existence. Bit of a game-changer isn't it? It's all too easy to discount the light of camraderie we shine into the dark solitude of human existence by merely being. But retarded people preclude all that & how..?

I can't tell you how many "tard anecdotes" came up while I was preparing this post, but there's one that's an old favorite of mine so here goes...

Back when I was in High School, there was this one guy who for the sake of anonymity I'm going to refer to as "Julius Bonagger". Man, ol' Julius was the King of The Tards (we had a teachable mentally retarded program at my school). He had a leather jacket, wore his hair greased back 50's style, and had the biggest Elvis belt buckle I've ever seen. Everywhere, Julius went the tard ladies (who from what I hear totally put out) would fawn over him & lesser tards would cower meekly in the path of his mighty (at 15 I'd say ol' Julius was tipping the scales at a husky 250 lbs) oncoming stride. But there was one person who Julius would always take time to greet when walking down the hall and that was my friend Bubba who Julius would always grab by the shoulder, look at solemnly and say "You smell nice". Bubba was a frail punk rock lad, who boasted a predeliction for drug abuse and a psychologically unbalanced girlfriend amidst his treasury of earthly posessions. Bubba was fortunate to have all those things but I could tell that Julius making time for him out of his day really put it all in perspective when I witnessed this scene:

Julius was walking down the hall lolling his head & didn't see Bubba sneaking up behind him. Bubba could be pretty quiet for a gangly white kid carrying a skateboard, and thus Julius was totally unprepared for when Bubba placed his hand on his shoulder from behind, spun him around and spoke these words:

"Hey Julius, you smell nice man. You smell nice."
If one of those sweet tard ladies had shown up naked on her hands and knees imploring Julius to fill her with tard seed it wouldn't have come close to filling him with the rapture that broke across his face as he hugged Bubba & yelled "THANKS MAN!! THANKS!!!"

Tragically Bubba was not as strong as Julius and it did take several moments for him to disengage. But there's a lot of lessons I think we can learn from the tale of Julius & Bubba.

1. That while we may operate in our day believing that we are operating at a higher level of cognition than our fellows, it must be noted that if we are to presume that the purpose of being is to kindle a light in the darkness of mere being, that Bubba didn't actually perform an act of genius until he was willing to do something retarded.

2. Tard ladies totally put out.

3. & last but not least..............

RETARDED PEOPLE KICK ASS!!!!!