What crawled up your vagina and died kicks ass!!

Let's be honest, "what crawled up your vagina and died" is one of the greatest phrases ever written. Functioning not only as a somewhat visceral piece of condemnation, it's beauty lies within the fact that it's so much more than that. It's a mystery ("no really, for reals, what was it?"), it's a horror story ("Do you dear reader dare to enter the tortuous depths and discover what crawled up your vagina and died?")But most importantly.... 

It's sweet. Not to ruin anyone's day, but unless you're a regular reader of Kickass Tiger, you're going to die someday. It's a cruel twist that we're given a certain degree of volition to how we live our lives, but not nearly as much as to how they're going to end. Walking down the street K-ZAP!! Lightning!! Sitting down for a picnic AIIGH!!! Bear Mauling!! Getting ready for a little 'special time' with that 'special someone' K-ZAP! AIIGH!! MEIN GOTT EN HIMMEL!! That's right man, Lightning Bear Mauling Blitzkrieg!!! (<---this totally happens all the time and no one is doing anything about it!). Yet imagine, on the final day of your life if you could shrink down, return from whence you came, and in the warm oceanic embrace of the womb gently return to the components from which you were made. 

Now don't get me wrong, I know a lot of you are not looking at my imagery of little people crawling back into vaginas to expire with affection "Umm, excuse me Martha you seem to have something crawling up your leg" "Oh that's just David" "He's going to crawl into your vagina isn't he?" "Well that is the natural way of things honey" "He's going to die in there isn't he?" "It's what he wanted" "Does that mean we're not going to have sex later?"

Admittedly, it's an idea that needs some work. But I don't think there's any questioning that whatever crawled up your vagina and died...KICKS ASS!!!!!

Slacking Off Kicks Ass!!

As you've probably noticed loyal blog readers, its been a little while since my last post. Why? you ask? How could such an unforseen circumstance take place? I'll tell y'all why, it's because I've been slacking off & not too surprisingly...it kicks ass!! Why? Because I'm about to prove to y'all that slacking off (even more so than military intervention, or economic manipulation) is what's really key to total and utter GALACTIC DOMINION.

Check it out, sure there's a bajillion wannabe totalitarian warlords out there duking it out for who's gonna be king of the castle and all that..but in a word, they're fools. Let's take a look at your average human life span 80 yrs if you're LUCKY, everything beyond that? Gravy. So why the hell do you want to be wasting your time struggling for an illusory reward that you're not going to get to take with you? Let's focus on the important things, chilling with those you love, reading, drinking, eating good food, or just hanging out letting the wheels spin. These are the things that mark true freedom. The time you spend at work? Or competing against a bunch of other fools who're nothing more than rats running the labyrinth? You might as well print your remaining time on dollar bills and set it on fire.

But that's what it really comes down to isn't it? I know a brilliant man, who once said "The key to what drives economic congress is laziness" his theory is that in order to get ahead in a professional setting, you need to find out what your immediate boss most hates doing & do it for him. He'll be happy because he gets to slack off, and as a reward he'll grant you more leeway to slack off since you're performing the task he so wants to avoid, best of all, he'll hire someone else to take over the work that YOU don't want to do in order to make sure he can keep on slacking off! It's brilliant!!

Don't get me wrong, I know there's some busybees out there reading this who're saying "But Steve, I heart my job utterly & I can't begin to describe the degree of personal fulfillment I receive from it!!" Hey man, that's cool. But here's the gig yo. If you're that into what you're doing then by all means keep on keepin' on. What I'm trying to illustrate is that it's in those moments when we're slacking off that at that time the universe is your oyster. You are at that moment truly free, sure you can make a decision on a course of action but for that one rare glimmering moment the realm of possibility is truly yours. Or as I like to inform people "That's right, motherf**ker. I'm Steve Mort & I can do anything". The freedom lies in whether or not I choose to and within that terrible truth lies the paradox of time, personal freedom & the terrifying liberating power of nothingness.

So I guess at this point it's "Hey stop wasting your time reading my blog & get back to work!!" or "Keep on, Keepin' on ya big slacker!" Either way I can only hope that you always feel free to...

KICK ASS!!!