What crawled up your vagina and died kicks ass!!

Let's be honest, "what crawled up your vagina and died" is one of the greatest phrases ever written. Functioning not only as a somewhat visceral piece of condemnation, it's beauty lies within the fact that it's so much more than that. It's a mystery ("no really, for reals, what was it?"), it's a horror story ("Do you dear reader dare to enter the tortuous depths and discover what crawled up your vagina and died?")But most importantly.... 

It's sweet. Not to ruin anyone's day, but unless you're a regular reader of Kickass Tiger, you're going to die someday. It's a cruel twist that we're given a certain degree of volition to how we live our lives, but not nearly as much as to how they're going to end. Walking down the street K-ZAP!! Lightning!! Sitting down for a picnic AIIGH!!! Bear Mauling!! Getting ready for a little 'special time' with that 'special someone' K-ZAP! AIIGH!! MEIN GOTT EN HIMMEL!! That's right man, Lightning Bear Mauling Blitzkrieg!!! (<---this totally happens all the time and no one is doing anything about it!). Yet imagine, on the final day of your life if you could shrink down, return from whence you came, and in the warm oceanic embrace of the womb gently return to the components from which you were made. 

Now don't get me wrong, I know a lot of you are not looking at my imagery of little people crawling back into vaginas to expire with affection "Umm, excuse me Martha you seem to have something crawling up your leg" "Oh that's just David" "He's going to crawl into your vagina isn't he?" "Well that is the natural way of things honey" "He's going to die in there isn't he?" "It's what he wanted" "Does that mean we're not going to have sex later?"

Admittedly, it's an idea that needs some work. But I don't think there's any questioning that whatever crawled up your vagina and died...KICKS ASS!!!!!

Slacking Off Kicks Ass!!

As you've probably noticed loyal blog readers, its been a little while since my last post. Why? you ask? How could such an unforseen circumstance take place? I'll tell y'all why, it's because I've been slacking off & not too surprisingly...it kicks ass!! Why? Because I'm about to prove to y'all that slacking off (even more so than military intervention, or economic manipulation) is what's really key to total and utter GALACTIC DOMINION.

Check it out, sure there's a bajillion wannabe totalitarian warlords out there duking it out for who's gonna be king of the castle and all that..but in a word, they're fools. Let's take a look at your average human life span 80 yrs if you're LUCKY, everything beyond that? Gravy. So why the hell do you want to be wasting your time struggling for an illusory reward that you're not going to get to take with you? Let's focus on the important things, chilling with those you love, reading, drinking, eating good food, or just hanging out letting the wheels spin. These are the things that mark true freedom. The time you spend at work? Or competing against a bunch of other fools who're nothing more than rats running the labyrinth? You might as well print your remaining time on dollar bills and set it on fire.

But that's what it really comes down to isn't it? I know a brilliant man, who once said "The key to what drives economic congress is laziness" his theory is that in order to get ahead in a professional setting, you need to find out what your immediate boss most hates doing & do it for him. He'll be happy because he gets to slack off, and as a reward he'll grant you more leeway to slack off since you're performing the task he so wants to avoid, best of all, he'll hire someone else to take over the work that YOU don't want to do in order to make sure he can keep on slacking off! It's brilliant!!

Don't get me wrong, I know there's some busybees out there reading this who're saying "But Steve, I heart my job utterly & I can't begin to describe the degree of personal fulfillment I receive from it!!" Hey man, that's cool. But here's the gig yo. If you're that into what you're doing then by all means keep on keepin' on. What I'm trying to illustrate is that it's in those moments when we're slacking off that at that time the universe is your oyster. You are at that moment truly free, sure you can make a decision on a course of action but for that one rare glimmering moment the realm of possibility is truly yours. Or as I like to inform people "That's right, motherf**ker. I'm Steve Mort & I can do anything". The freedom lies in whether or not I choose to and within that terrible truth lies the paradox of time, personal freedom & the terrifying liberating power of nothingness.

So I guess at this point it's "Hey stop wasting your time reading my blog & get back to work!!" or "Keep on, Keepin' on ya big slacker!" Either way I can only hope that you always feel free to...

KICK ASS!!!

Almost Eating Shit Kicks Ass!!

Close your eyes for a moment dear reader (psyche! you can't close your eyes & read unless you've got crazy plastic transparent eyelids or extra eyeballs on the end of your fingertips, but I'll save that for another post) & imagine this scene. You're walking down the street, it's sunshiney out, the birds are singing, and you're feeling such a rare moment of complete and total bliss that you're caught totally unaware when a crack in the sidewalk interrupts your stride and down you go. Ow! Bummer!! Not only did you fall in front of a bunch of people, but as you fell you snapped your ankle, tried to save yourself by grabbing onto a baby carriage, collapsed anyways bringing the carriage down with you, hurling the tiny infant inside into the path of oncoming traffic, where it was immediately decimated by a semi, and now everyone's looking at you like an assh*le, but alas with your broken ankle you've no chance of making a speedy getaway!

Talk about embarrassing!!

But imagine things had gone this way. Sure you trip, but manage to catch your balance. It's a sweet thrill, the risk of danger, the sweet relief of poking risk in the booty & walking away unscathed. But there's more to it than that, I'd argue that the closer you come to eating sh*t the more sweet it is. We've all almost died numerous times from the barely avoided car crash, the slipping on the precipice of danger, or any one of a host of other dangers that are only escaped through a juxtaposition of accelerated thought/action and the devil's own luck. There's really only one drawback to the experience, and that's when you try to tell your friends about how close to oblivion you walked and they just can't get it.

But essentially that's the solitary beauty of almost eating sh*t. It's as cool as coolness gets, You almost died, YOU escaped danger & peril, YOU trimuphed over odds that were quickly stacked against you without warning, and only YOU can truly appreciate the poignance of the experience. Sure, you can talk about it all you want but really no one else will ever really get it, the terror, the exhiliartion...?

It's like having a secret affair with the world, and it totally kicks ass!!

RatatatJimiHendrixQuadrophenia Kicks Ass!!!

I don't care if you're the most tone deaf, non-rhythmic, soul hatin', easy listenin' mother f**ker on the planet, even you have a secret soundtrack (and how kick ass is that?). I'll never forget the magical moments when I discovered my own secret soundtracks, from when I stole my sister's copy of the Quadrophenia soundtrack (which if its any consolation sis, I've had to buy several more times), to riding my bicycle under the influence of powerful hallucinogens (Shit Jimi! You ARE a Voodoo Child!!), to having to pull over my car the first time I heard Ratatat (I was sober in case anyone's wondering! **This was not an instance of having to use my patented 'Too drunk to walk, better drive' rule**). Let it be known that it's not only the chemically augmented and schizophrenically challenged who have the good fortune to hear the sounds and voices that create the sonic background for our passages! Raise your fists and stomp your feet on our crusade to find the theme music to the made for TV docudrama of our days!! Don't be shy! If you think that your friends need the Violent Femmes playing the background, then share the joy! If the ladies don't know what kind of deep, dark, sensitive mofo you are, then share, I say share, the Elliott Smith!! And the next time you hear some sweet sounds that you realize have been playing silently in the back of your mind, you stop right there, you stop right there and you shout to the heavens!!!

"That Kicks Ass!!!!!!!!"

Beating Off Kicks Ass!!

In today's complex world, it's increasingly difficult to find one thing that everyone loves. We hold contrary views on what life itself is or is not, and the beliefs that promise most ardently to bring peace are typically those most likely to sow the seeds of coflict.

But there's one thing that everyone loves, and if you guessed "Beating Off" then you get a gold star!! Beating off is absolutely awesome, it allows us to enjoy the act of sweet sweet love with people who may be alive or dead, otherwise engaged, or so incredibly far out of our league that our powerful orgasms are the only way we can verify that they even exist (which means that the concentrated efforts of legions of diehard fanboys/girls have quite possibly made real the fictitious identies of Scully and Mulder)!! I know some of you are thinking "But Steve, I baked a cake the other day and I felt really close to the person I was making it for even though they weren't even there. What makes beating off so special?" Ahhhh....I thought you'd never ask.

Masturbations' contributions to the arts:

Yeah, baking a cake? That's pretty sweet. Writing a card? How thoughful! But when it comes to music, you can bake all the cakes you want, and write mountains of cards, and never come close to the visceral godliness that is...

The Who
Pictures of Lilly
With its clever interweaving of nostalgia and romance, Picture of Lilly is one of the most poignantly written coming (no pun intended) of age pieces ever written. A young lad stumbles across his dad's stash of naughty photos and gets busy doing what comes (there's that word again) naturally. In the process he discovers a range of human experience that encompasses transcendental bliss "Pictures of Lilly helped me sleep at night" to the bittersweet pain of unrequited love "She's been dead since 1945". Surprisingly, this classic was banned from radio airplay but it's easily the best song they wrote.

The Buzzcocks
Orgasm Addict
Once again another band of minstrels finds their greatest muse in the common thread that everyone digs. Don't get me wrong, I love the Velvet Underground's 'Heroin' but honestly the idea of skin popping in order to feed my addiction doesn't really appeal to me. But orgasms? If I forcibly came every time I stuck a needle into myself, I'd look like the pinhead guy from Hellraiser! A beautiful melody that dares to kick open the closet door on that kinky little voice inside of all of us (once again their best song!)

The Vapours
Turning Japanese
Did these guys even write another song? Who cares! They nailed the goodness of beating off with a rad song which is totally awesome to beat off to!


Well folks that does it for today, but lest you think I'm being miserly with this post I made sure to include a photo to inspire your future masturbatory efforts! Enjoy and remember, Beating Off KICKS ASS!!

Pepsi Man!!

If you ever wanted proof that Japan is a superior nation, Pepsi Man is it. You want to know why the ice shelf is melting? It's because those fool polar bears got tricked into shilling for Coca-Cola, never knowing that it would require the powers of Pepsi Man to quench the ice shelf's thirst (and reverse the damage of global warming and oncoming ecological distaster, but that's another story)

To be honest, I'm not really a big fan of Pepsi to start with. It's overly sweet, doesn't even come close to packing enough caffiene, and when warm tastes eerily similar to (I'd imagine) a loogey hawked up by Mrs. Butterworth.

But who cares? It could be the Reverend Jim Jones' secret recipe for Guayana Kool Aid, and if Pepsi Man was selling it? I'd drink it by the gallon. Pepsi man's got his own video game, multiple commercials, and a cult of personality that makes the peoples' temple look like a bunch of wannabe leftist hippie types under the sway of an extermely charismatic religious leader who was obviously going to lead them to their unfortunate demise.

Kickass Q&A

Interviewer: But Steve? What of Pepsi Man's obvious fighting prowess?

Steve: I'm so glad you asked. When I first saw Pepsi Man, I too thought "Holy shit, the japanese totally ripped off the silver surfer and made him shill Pepsi!". But nothing could be further from the truth, for while Pepsi Man does get his ass handed to him in multiple commercials. He is an expert snowboarder, pro surfer, and well let's look at a few instances...

Commercial:

Scene: A mother is trying to calm her crying toddler. Her gentle maternal words are having no effect on the upset youth. Pepsi Man runs down the street, bursts into the kitchen & gives the kid (and the kid's mom, who's a total MILF) a pepsi. Kid shuts right the f**k up.

Videogame:

Scene: "There's a bunch of people down by the wharf! They're really hot and I think they're going to RIOT! If only there was something to cool them down and quench their thirst!!"

you think they call the cops? Yeah right!

Pepsi Man Kicks Ass!!

The Birth of Kickass Tiger

If you're like me, you've probably wondered "Shit, why does everything suck here? Where's all the kickass shit at?"

Well today is your lucky day buckaroo! You've stumbled onto the home of kickass shit! That's right mofo! You're at kickasstiger! Where everything kicks ass!!