Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Sweater Rockets KICK ASS!!!

I've been fortunate enough to write for an extremely diverse audience. Chronic masturbators, die hard music fans, slackers, whatever crawled up your vagina and died, retards, and much like me you may be wondering what it is that draws all of these folks together....

Wonder no longer! It's that ALL of them know
SWEATER ROCKETS KICK ASS!!

I know, I know you're probably saying to yourself "But Steeeeeevvve, I'm a Doctor/Lawyer/Baker/Tailor and I know lots of reeeeeeeeeeallly important things. Why I can cure cancer, save you from incarceration, make delicious pies, or sew beautiful coats of many colors."

and I'm sure knowing all that stuff's really cool. But you want to talk about what's important? Let's do a little survey, I'm going to ask the little fellow in the photo a few questions let's see how HE responds!!

Kickass Interviewer: Hey little fella! How's it going? Mind if I ask you a few questions?
Kickass Baby: ...
Kickass Interviewer: Sweet! Hey did you know that you might get cancer?
Kickass Baby: ...
Kickass Interviewer: Or that you might do something bad and go to jail?
Kickass Baby: ...
Kickass Baby: Wanna cruise out for some pie and coffee?
Kickass Baby:...
Kickass Interviewer: Did you know you're naked?
Kickass Baby:...
Kickass Interviewer: Hey how about moving on over and letting Uncle Kickass spend some sweet sweet time with those boobs?
Kickass Baby: WAAIIGH!! Fuck You Uncle Kickass! Verily forsooth I speak y'all best getting on out of here before I this light yonder breaks my little foot up your ass Uncle Kickass!!
Kickass Interviewer: It was a %$^ing question! Jeez! OW!! Mellow out little man! Just move ove..OW!! OK I get the jist! I'm OWOWOW!!"

That's right, you think that little guy's wondering about the dichotomy between particle physics and quantum mechanics? NO WAY. He's wondering how long you're going to be hassling him with this whole clean diaper biz and how long it is until he can go back to town on those sweet mamarian mamaloos (a sound question which I've asked often myself).

You won't find me arguing with that little scholar, know why?

Because sweater rockets KICK ASS!!!

Now, move over buddy! I call dibs!


2 comments:

melissalion said...

Do sweater rockets need to be in sweaters? Like if they're in a t-shirt, are they t-shirt rockets?

bigcathead said...

"Do sweater rockets need to be in a sweater?"

Oh no, they most certainly do not. It's pretty well substantianted scientific research that sweater rockets actually thrive and are much happier out of the sweater and in a much more welcoming environment (Like say just for the sake of argument in my hands, mouth or on my hard drive)