RatatatJimiHendrixQuadrophenia Kicks Ass!!!

I don't care if you're the most tone deaf, non-rhythmic, soul hatin', easy listenin' mother f**ker on the planet, even you have a secret soundtrack (and how kick ass is that?). I'll never forget the magical moments when I discovered my own secret soundtracks, from when I stole my sister's copy of the Quadrophenia soundtrack (which if its any consolation sis, I've had to buy several more times), to riding my bicycle under the influence of powerful hallucinogens (Shit Jimi! You ARE a Voodoo Child!!), to having to pull over my car the first time I heard Ratatat (I was sober in case anyone's wondering! **This was not an instance of having to use my patented 'Too drunk to walk, better drive' rule**). Let it be known that it's not only the chemically augmented and schizophrenically challenged who have the good fortune to hear the sounds and voices that create the sonic background for our passages! Raise your fists and stomp your feet on our crusade to find the theme music to the made for TV docudrama of our days!! Don't be shy! If you think that your friends need the Violent Femmes playing the background, then share the joy! If the ladies don't know what kind of deep, dark, sensitive mofo you are, then share, I say share, the Elliott Smith!! And the next time you hear some sweet sounds that you realize have been playing silently in the back of your mind, you stop right there, you stop right there and you shout to the heavens!!!

"That Kicks Ass!!!!!!!!"

Beating Off Kicks Ass!!

In today's complex world, it's increasingly difficult to find one thing that everyone loves. We hold contrary views on what life itself is or is not, and the beliefs that promise most ardently to bring peace are typically those most likely to sow the seeds of coflict.

But there's one thing that everyone loves, and if you guessed "Beating Off" then you get a gold star!! Beating off is absolutely awesome, it allows us to enjoy the act of sweet sweet love with people who may be alive or dead, otherwise engaged, or so incredibly far out of our league that our powerful orgasms are the only way we can verify that they even exist (which means that the concentrated efforts of legions of diehard fanboys/girls have quite possibly made real the fictitious identies of Scully and Mulder)!! I know some of you are thinking "But Steve, I baked a cake the other day and I felt really close to the person I was making it for even though they weren't even there. What makes beating off so special?" Ahhhh....I thought you'd never ask.

Masturbations' contributions to the arts:

Yeah, baking a cake? That's pretty sweet. Writing a card? How thoughful! But when it comes to music, you can bake all the cakes you want, and write mountains of cards, and never come close to the visceral godliness that is...

The Who
Pictures of Lilly
With its clever interweaving of nostalgia and romance, Picture of Lilly is one of the most poignantly written coming (no pun intended) of age pieces ever written. A young lad stumbles across his dad's stash of naughty photos and gets busy doing what comes (there's that word again) naturally. In the process he discovers a range of human experience that encompasses transcendental bliss "Pictures of Lilly helped me sleep at night" to the bittersweet pain of unrequited love "She's been dead since 1945". Surprisingly, this classic was banned from radio airplay but it's easily the best song they wrote.

The Buzzcocks
Orgasm Addict
Once again another band of minstrels finds their greatest muse in the common thread that everyone digs. Don't get me wrong, I love the Velvet Underground's 'Heroin' but honestly the idea of skin popping in order to feed my addiction doesn't really appeal to me. But orgasms? If I forcibly came every time I stuck a needle into myself, I'd look like the pinhead guy from Hellraiser! A beautiful melody that dares to kick open the closet door on that kinky little voice inside of all of us (once again their best song!)

The Vapours
Turning Japanese
Did these guys even write another song? Who cares! They nailed the goodness of beating off with a rad song which is totally awesome to beat off to!


Well folks that does it for today, but lest you think I'm being miserly with this post I made sure to include a photo to inspire your future masturbatory efforts! Enjoy and remember, Beating Off KICKS ASS!!